You Win Some, You Lose Some

“You win some, you lose some” is a saying I’ve heard my entire life. I’ve come to interpret it to mean you can’t win every battle and there is no such thing as “perfect” or “easy.” Despite seeming lighthearted, this saying actually runs deeper in meaning to me: I have so much to be grateful in life but I have also lost a lot too.

Life is Like a Game of Chance

Based on my life experiences, life truly is a large game of chance. Sometimes you strike gold while other times you strike out. It is such a fine line between light and darkness that sometimes it’s hard to stay in the light.

Unfortunately for me, my darkness surrounds my chronic pain and suffering. Ultimately, the worst part of it all is that no one around me will ever know how I truly feel. My family and support system can sympathize with me, but they can’t understand the extent of everything I deal with. They’ll never fully understand how bad my pain is some days, mainly because a 10 on the 0-10 pain scale is really like a 50 for me; a 10 on this scale is really like a 5. They’ll never know how nerve-racking it is to not know what the day will bring. They’ll never know the internal battle that I face.

For those not in my inner circle, they’ll never know how much I’ve lost due to my chronic pain and suffering. I’ve lost my youth, friends along the way, time, and opportunities. I’ve lost years of opportunity to be in relationship because of the fears, anxiety, and pain that my ailments have caused. My ailments have put so much stress on my life over the years that I’ve never even had my first kiss or dated for more than a week at a time. This is just one example of the time that I have lost…

But all of this is not to say that I hate my life. Do I hate aspects of my life? Sure, absolutely. But I would never say that I hate my life or those around me. The unfortunate part about maintaining this blog is that you, my readers, only hear about my highest-highs or my lowest-lows. However, there is much more to my story.

I may not always find the light, but I do know that I have light waiting at the end of the darkness. For instance, if you met me in person, most days, you would never know how I internally suffer. You would only see a passionate and dedicated special educator who puts all her time and energy into her work. You would only see a thoughtful friend who is really good at listening to others and giving advice. You would only see a cousin who is willing to help her 12 cousins whenever they need help. You would only see half of me…

I guess one of the upsides is that most people who only see half of me get to see the light side. They get to see the part of me that is able to go to work and put a smile on my face, even when I feel like sh*t. I just wish that the world was better educated and supportive of chronic pain suffers.

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