Fear

Fear is a funny thing, isn’t it? Everyone is afraid of something; whether it’s spiders or heights, there are things in this world that make all of us nervous from now and again. Now granted, some fear can be good, such as the adrenaline rush you get before a big game or the butterflies you feel before getting married. These fears challenge us and make us live beyond our comfort zones. Unfortunately, the majority of the fear we face is not as simple as “butterflies in our stomach” or “stomach knots.” Most of the fear we face is the type of fear that can give us anxiety, make us worry, or create insecurities.

In my last post, I talked about the opposite of fear: hope. Hope is one of the strategies we can use to overcome our fears. Our ability to hope allows us to imagine life beyond our fears and provides us with the courage to move past them. The frustrating part about this journey of hope and fear is that our ability to hope, or our capacity to do so, dwindles with each negative experience.

For instance, I am currently on a new journey, in which I am trying a new experimental medical treatment plan to overcome adeno and Endo. I was very fearful at first, and struggled to find any hope at the beginning of the journey. Yet, as each month has past without a period, I began hoping; hoping that I’ve finally found a drug that can stop a majority of my suffering. And yet, I now find that Hope quickly disappearing as I face the first bleeding I’ve had in 6 month. Fears continue to wander through my mind, such as “what if I’ve hit my capacity? What if this drug is no longer working? What if this turns into a full on period and I ruin my whole vacation?”

It’s amazing how long it has taken me to build up hope and how quickly fear can set in and destroy that progress. Over these 6 months I’ve worked to build up myself, enjoy life, and hope for a better quality of life. Then in one night, all of that hope is overcome with the fear that it was simply a short relief.

I know that I shouldn’t be jumping to conclusions or letting my fear overcome me this quickly. In the rational part of my mind, I know that this all just happened and may just be spotting. Yet, the other irrational part of me remembers all the hope and heartbreak I’ve been through in the past, and is so fearful of another heartbreak. My whole adult life, until 6 months ago, has been run by my chronic suffering. Over these past few months life has become enjoyable again. And I think that’s what I fear the most, loosing my quality of life again to something out of my control.

But I made a promise to myself that I will wait this out and see what happens. I will try to keep my mind focused on the present and not on the “what if’s.” (Easier said than done though). Instead, I will try and take it one day at a time and simply see what comes next for me.

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